giving thanks

the firsts.

everyone warns you-

they are not easy

and 

they are right.

around the dinner table

when blessings were given

for food

and 

family

and then paused

to remember

those missing

grama. 

and henry.

henry...

(yes, of course i had thought about how my boy should be there- sitting on my lap

or sleepy head draped over my shoulder)

and i felt

as hot tears 

welled in my eyes

all eyes

on me

...

yes. 

thanksgiving was hard

.

but mostly

i was filled with the feeling of gratitude

for reid...

because, at the end of the day

we are stronger

we love harder

we hug longer

for my family...

for being here.

together.

sometimes sad.

but happy too.

who allow both to be very okay.

for friends...

the soul mates

those who've become family 

in the wake of this personal tragedy

the new

friends who we might never have met

if it wasn't for our boy

who know us so much more intimately 

than most everyone else

because of it

the lifelines

who show up in pajamas with wine and popcorn and chocolate for late night chats

who send snail-mail cards, just because

who call and keep calling and email and keep emailing even when i am way behind in returning both

...

last night

after an

"URGENT!!"

email from 

one such friend

telling me to 

"get outside" 

and

"look uuuuuppppppp"

i did. 

nellie and reid and i

our little family 

walked

hand-in-hand

in the crisp cold air

under a perfectly clear 

navy blue sky

with a moon so bright it shined down to the deepest part of your soul

and i knew

that those friends

some right here and some very far away

were looking up at that same moon

and when i came home, chilled to the bone

i sat on the floor of the shower

and let the scalding water

hit me from above like a mid-summer rain storm

and i cried

and yes-

it was sadness

but also

gratitude

and when i was well-raisined

i pulled myself up

and stepped out

warm

and 

loved

...
thanksgiving 2012