the firsts.
everyone warns you-
they are not easy
and
they are right.
around the dinner table
when blessings were given
for food
and
family
and then paused
to remember
those missing
and henry.
henry...
(yes, of course i had thought about how my boy should be there- sitting on my lap
or sleepy head draped over my shoulder)
and i felt
as hot tears
welled in my eyes
all eyes
on me
...
yes.
thanksgiving was hard
.
but mostly
i was filled with the feeling of gratitude
for reid...
because, at the end of the day
we are stronger
we love harder
we hug longer
for my family...
for being here.
together.
sometimes sad.
but happy too.
who allow both to be very okay.
for friends...
the soul mates
those who've become family
in the wake of this personal tragedy
the new
friends who we might never have met
if it wasn't for our boy
who know us so much more intimately
than most everyone else
because of it
the lifelines
who show up in pajamas with wine and popcorn and chocolate for late night chats
who send snail-mail cards, just because
who call and keep calling and email and keep emailing even when i am way behind in returning both
...
last night
after an
"URGENT!!"
email from
one such friend
telling me to
"get outside"
and
"look uuuuuppppppp"
i did.
nellie and reid and i
our little family
walked
hand-in-hand
in the crisp cold air
under a perfectly clear
navy blue sky
with a moon so bright it shined down to the deepest part of your soul
and i knew
that those friends
some right here and some very far away
were looking up at that same moon
and when i came home, chilled to the bone
i sat on the floor of the shower
and let the scalding water
hit me from above like a mid-summer rain storm
and i cried
and yes-
it was sadness
but also
gratitude
and when i was well-raisined
i pulled myself up
and stepped out
warm
and
loved
...
thanksgiving 2012
thanksgiving 2012
